Back in middle school, when my hormones were louder than my common sense, I saw one of those classic pop-up ads: “There’s a lonely housewife within 0.1 miles of you who wants to meet up NOW.”

Instead of questioning it, I took it as a personal mission. I put on my Crocs, grabbed my flip phone, and walked around the neighborhood like some budget Casanova detective. I scoped out the convenience store, peeked behind bushes, even checked the park, just in case she was waiting under the slide.

Spoiler: no one was there.

Just me, alone, realizing for the first time that the internet is full of lies. And that love, apparently, is not within walking distance.

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This is a promotional interview for the beatmaker SAGEGREEN. No one wanted this. But here it is anyway. 

You may know me as that quiet guy who drops instrumental tapes like breadcrumbs in a mossy forest. Or maybe you’ve seen my beats floating around Newgrounds like a cat that refuses to be filmed but always shows up anyway.

What follows is a completely serious, definitely not sarcastic self-interview, conducted under the influence of too much music and possibly not enough vitamin D.

Spoiler: the answers won’t help your career, but they might make you feel slightly better about staying up till 3am making beats and wondering if that one hi-hat is too loud.

So kick back, sip your questionable tea, and enjoy this exclusive peek inside the chaotic serenity that is: SAGEGREEN.

🥒 The Ultimate Self-Interview: SAGEGREEN’s Greatest Newgrounds Hits

Q1: Wait, what kind of pet does your grandma have?

A1: Oh yeah, my grandma thought the Roomba was a house pet. She actually sprinkled some cat food on the floor and said, “There you go, sweetie, have a snack.”

The Roomba just bulldozed through the kibble like a salaryman late for a train.

She looked so proud, too. Like she’d done something kind and maternal. It was honestly inspiring in a confusing way.

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Q2: There’s that romantic lyric, “Even if the whole world hates you, I’ll still be by your side.” But… what did she do to make everyone hate her?

A2: Right?! I’ve been wondering that forever.

Whatever it was, it must’ve been epic.

Love songs are mysterious. Sometimes they’re like magical spells. Sometimes they’re just red flags with reverb.

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Q3: Is it true you interviewed Tom Fulp, the mythical god of Newgrounds?

A3: I did!

Newgrounds isn’t just a site, it’s a living organism powered by creative chaos and community spirit.

When I talked to Tom, his answers were full of history, passion, and straight-up founder energy.

We owe him big for this big internet garden.

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Q4: Someone bought you a Supporter Upgrade??

A4: Yup. Shoutout to whoever did that, probably a mysterious benefactor… or my mom, trying to keep me off the streets.

Now I’m part of the pixel elite. Supporter Spotlight is basically my personal concert stage.

And yes, I’m currently searching for the secret society behind the scenes. I will find the pixel handshake.

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Q5: You’re still not famous, huh? What’s up with that?

A5: I was just walking through life when BAM—creative lightning hit me like a falling vending machine.

Now my music wakes me up at 3AM whispering, “You forgot the snare layer.”

So I upload tracks just to exorcise the sound ghosts. This profile is 10% music, 90% weird energy.

Will my next track solve the mysteries of the universe? Maybe. Maybe not. But I’m not ruling it out.

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Q6: You entered the 2025 Newgrounds Underdogs’ Audio Contest?!

A6: First time ever. I submitted “Mush Melon,” a beat that’s funky, overripe, and possibly fruit-based.

It’s rolling into the tournament like a melon with a mission.

Backing me spiritually: snack-time failures and one very loyal houseplant.

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Q7: You saw someone playing FNF at an ATM??

A7: Yes. An elderly woman spent 20+ minutes at the ATM.

Not withdrawing cash, just full-on combo-ing Friday Night Funkin’ like she had a high score to defend.

She had perfect rhythm. I swear I heard “Bopeebo” through the receipt slot.

While I waited, I made music. Bank queues have never been funkier.

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Q8: Did you really buy an air guitar from a Yakuza dude?

A8: Yeah. He said it was “vintage” and had “authentic invisible strings.”

I didn’t negotiate. You try haggling with a man in a suit who casually mentions prison time, for tax fraud and illegal karaoke.

Now I’ve got a fake guitar and very real regret. But at least I didn’t buy the matching air amp.

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Q9: Your music has 100M+ views on YouTube Shorts, but only 20 Spotify listeners??

A9: Yup. My beats are famous. I’m not.

Apparently, I’m the background music to other people’s success.

I need to figure out how to convert invisible clout into real fans.

Any advice? Memes welcome.

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Q10: If stepping on a LEGO = 1 unit of pain, how many LEGOs was the worst pain of your life?

A10: Pain is stored in the foot, my friend.

My worst moment? Let’s just say… my soul stepped on a whole LEGO city. Barefoot. At night.

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Q11: You once said “Talk to me, I don’t bite (much).” What was that about?

A11: I was just trying to remind people I exist.

If my music sounds like a toaster fighting a saxophone, that was intentional.

Comment, say hi, scream into the void, I’ll probably scream back.

I’m just a guy on Newgrounds with too many synths and not enough chill.

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🏁 Bonus Track:

This interview blends together the essence of every SAGEGREEN news post, pure chaos, beats, and digital soul.

It’s ready for Newgrounds or a shrine somewhere in your heart.

https://sagegreen86s.newgrounds.com/audio

SAGEGREEN

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In case you missed it: the Tom Fulp interview is here.

https://sagegreen86s.newgrounds.com/news/post/1544703